Enhancing Connection Through Compassionate Communication

Whether celebrating Valentine’s Day with a partner, Valentine’s with friends, or drawing a warm bath and ignoring everyone, February reinforces experiences of relationships and connection. In building bonds, it is language–verbal, body, energy– that speaks through one to another, or one to themselves, creating an understanding through the expression of feeling, thought, and experience. Expressing and understanding through language is a catalyst of companionship, or the lack there of, a stake of separateness. But for many reasons, communication feels challenging, and arguably, mastering it may be impossible.

So, let’s ask the question– why is communication so hard?

• Drawing on existential themes, we humans may have an innate lack of trust to be able to engage in high-stakes conversations. Consciously or subconsciously, we know that we cannot ever be fully understood, no matter how hard we try to relate. Existentialism regards that everyone is, at the end of the day, isolated in their own versions of reality, in their own brains, bodies, stories, and emotional worlds. (This can feel very overwhelming. Please reach out if you’d like therapeutic support with this.) 

• We are creatures of survival. Misunderstanding, not being heard, and being accused is a significant threat that builds resistance to vulnerability and stirs defensiveness. Where there is danger, we do not want to engage. This often halts effective communication in its tracks or prevents any communication from happening at all. 

In order to overcome the resistance of communication, the following eight guides prompt a compassionate approach. When dialoging internally or interpersonally, these factors can support the maintenance of safety and opportunity for future conversation, therefore, connection. 

8 Guides for Compassionate Communication

1. Truth

   Every person has a truth to be acknowledged and respected. This is their personal, unique data, reality, and experience. When seeking understanding of personal truth, needs, and goals, it is helpful to present distinct examples or facts of a matter. 

2. Love

   People look for safety to engage. They need to believe their best interest is at hand and there is no intent or capability for another to cause them harm. As creatures of survival, where there is love, there is hope for all. 

3. Curiosity

   Curiosity creates space for one to show up and participate. Gathering all the information about who, what, when, where, and why, allows for objectivity and empathy. Curiosity takes accusation and predrawn conclusions out of the conversation and becomes insight, which ultimately meets opportunity.  

4. Reciprocity

   One person will not be heard if the other person isn’t either. One opinion will not matter if the other doesn’t either. Self-focus is part of survival, but when trying to converse with another, space must be created for both people's survival. This is transferable for a person’s relationships with themselves, too. Negative self-talk must give listening room to self-compassion. 

5. Intention

   When engaging, it can be beneficial to establish the purpose and goal of the communication. Reaching a desired outcome is much more likely when each person in a conversation can determine a reason for getting there and commit to the journey of communication. 

6. Vulnerability

   In sharing, fear of judgment, misunderstanding, or change is always a risk. Our needs for control and known outcomes are greatly threatened. Hold that consideration, soften enough to listen to yourself and others with an open mind and heart. 

7. Clarity

   There is great importance in approaching a conversation from an informed, mindful stance rather than a feeling stance. Consider planning the time and setting of the conversation to allow each person to feel prepared, grounded, and attentive. 

8. Growth

   There is nothing easy about communication. Which is why every conversation can, at the very least, offer the opportunity for any person to become more courageous, expand their view, practice language, and take small steps toward a desired destination.

Conclusively, one conversation may not lead to understanding, compromise, or conflict resolution as the final outcome. Communication must be practiced to become comfortable, more fluent, and more effective. And there is something astounding about this! The practice of communication automatically creates an opportunity to bond over the common experience of trying to muddle through just how messy communication can be! Whether you and another, or you and that critical voice in your head, you’re in it together. 

Deep wishes for connection and compassion this month!